Tuesday, February 1, 2011
the true story -- posted at 3:34 AM
there's been a lot on my mind lately. not of the past days or weeks, but since ever i thought i was different than the others. that i could not fit in anymore than just trying to fit in. i don't know where this had come from, but i know what i feel right now is not at all pleasant. nothing that you could call as normal or good.
what if, i was not a person who you thought that i was? not at all the sarah who would laugh at all those stupid jokes, even if they're not as funny as you wanted it to be. not the sarah who would try to make things better for you, not the one who would smile as you crossed with her through the hallways?
what if, really, deep down inside she was something you could not accept as a human being? that she was missing something, something that is actually an important part of her being? behind all that cool, helpful facade, that she is something that would scare the wits out of your mind? and she couldn't find that missing piece for years before and the years to come cause she lost it somewhere inside of her?
she wants something from everyone. no- she just wants one thing. but she couldn't place it even if it was on the tip of her tongue. give her everything she wants, but no one can tell what she really needs.
maybe it's not a thing. maybe she's just missing herself, losing grip of what she was. or what she was comfortable with, no matter how ill her behavior was to the face of the society. her best friends doesn't know anything about this. nor do her close friends from campus. neither her parents. she's just... lost.
she tried to find a way back in, to let herself be just what she is, or was, but with complete failure and utter disappointment. everything has changed. all those fun times didn't last. she couldn't remember a single second where she was just happy. feeling happy, not tickled because of a joke or anything. what's it called? ah... bliss.
no, not even on vacation trips with her family, or a small day outing with anyone, not even her best friends whom she used to fit in with. every time she tries to utter a word, it sounded unnecessary. it sounded awkward, like she was just talking to her own self, her own reflection. no one would reply her. no one would pay any attention to her, so she rebelled deep down inside, thinking no one was listening, watching. she didn't intend to. it just happened. she just rebelled, not knowing that she was. and she was sorry.
but her sorries were like sand by the roadside. you couldn't pick them up or count them cause there were too many. too many mistakes, too many sorries. and when she tried to start over, everything would just get much more worse than before. and she's all alone to stand up for herself, trying to change herself for the better but no one was convinced. to them she was still the same person who lied, cheated, did all those mistakes that she had regretted so much. she's all alone, and she feels like she's okay with that. but of course, no one is.
and no one was there to listen anymore. they just got fed up and left. couldn't be convinced anymore.
no one was there to help her through all this. and she felt that she was okay with that. but no one would believe her when she tells them about it. they would never understand her the way that she could at least understand them based on her personal experiences. they don't know her like they thought they did. she's just alone, and lonely, with no one to relate to, no one to help her through this so-called phase. she's unique, in a depressing way.
and she's not happy.
i'm not happy.
Friday, January 28, 2011
that empty feeling -- posted at 6:04 AM
i'm on my mid semester break now. :S
not sure of 'why the face?' but maybe because i'm not really fond of these sort of breaks. probably because i don't have anyone to go back to. just my aunt. and yeah...
for those of you who is interested in what happened after the last post, i'm not that particularly close with this girl friend of mine now, but we still talk to each other. i still can't accept the fact that she's so dependent on her not-so good boyfie, all cause i can tell where all of this is leading to, especially since she's always having fights with him. ehck.
and the guy? same old same old. i think he's a 'good riddance' for me now. i mean, who would want to be friends with a person like that?
can't really judge people now, can we, but it's a feeling i'm so familiar with.
anyway, i feel much worse as of since. don't know why. i'm just trying to get on my day without having to think about my feelings. i'm so anti social now that i don't even care of my feelings. great, no?
le sigh. i'm off. ttys babes! xoxo
her sorry note -- posted at 5:43 AM
it's been a while since i last blogged. college has started, and i'm bombarded with projects and assignments and a lot of other things that i have to meet by the end of the day for the whole week of the whole month. of course, the month hasn't even finished yet and i'm already super tired.
anyway, that wasn't my point. a few things happened lately, and i thought i just needed to express it all out before i have one of my mental breakdowns again.
feel free to exit right now or stay and face the consequences of reading a yucky post. (:
congratulations to those of you who exited. but you won't be able to see this anyway. so it doesn't matter.
for those of you who stayed, well... you were fairly warned.
earlier this month on a weekend i had to go to town in search of a few items. so i asked a friend of mine if she could follow with. and she said no.
the thing that made her say no was because she wanted to spend her weekend with her boyfie. sure, nothing wrong with that, since i could tell that she missed him a lot during the two months holiday. but what made me sad, upset and angry was that for the second time i asked her the day before i wanted to go to town, she said she would follow me suit.
right. what changed her mind? yes, that's it. her boyfriend.
she changed her bloody friggin' mind because apparently she wanted to see how much he loved her. waaaay to use your friend. (: okay, that was not really what made me angry. what made me angry was that in all of her expense, she had rather throw away her friends in order to spend time with her boyfie. oh hello, bitch much? i need a friend. she sees her boyfriend every single day, even for an hour.
she didn't want to follow me to town because she wanted to be there with me. she just wanted to see how much he loved her. god. -.- the short brain waves in lovebirds nowadays!
but yeah, i was sorta mean to her. i know she can't change in a short period of time but basically... yeah.
and i had a fight with another friend of mine, who's name shall not be mentioned.
he's a nice guy, overall. although he talks to me in a way that you could call it disrespect, or maybe degrading my morality. call it whatever you may. i don't really care. what i care about is that i had a fight with him, because of a stupid mistake i've done. i degraded him to his two best friends, which i didn't do on purpose. those who know me well knows that i talk without thinking of what i was about to say most of the time. yes, most. so he thought he knew me well. called me a hypocrite, that bastard did. so i blocked him. okay, there was a convo involved, but we really don't need to get into the details.
basically, i blocked him and his two bitches. :) happy ending? not really. but it was better than getting called a hypocrite than being called a hypocrite. sure, i apologized, but he was just... oh, you know how guys are lah, kannn? ;\
it's saddening. but amin was right, i don't need to care cause i apologized. it is all up to him.
(note: i saw those two girl friends of his. ruined my day it did. i mean hello, sumpah tak kemana lah kalau kau berlagak budget hot sangat, okay?)
i'm grateful for having friends like amin fadhli and ahmad amzar. thanks guys for giving me guidance when my brain is scattered and gave me a good slap when i needed it. especially kau amin, :) <3 thanks brooo. my regards to elina. ;)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
numbers and opinions. -- posted at 2:40 AM
haha okay so i did a very crazy thing and posted something from a dare on facebook.
"inbox me any number between 0 - 100000 and i'll make my status your number and what i think about you. fun thing is, only you and i know that special number."
okay, so then i got a lot of numbers, coming from people i know, from people i barely know, and from people i don't know at all. lols. but i did only the ones that mattered most, the others, i'm going to post it here. :)
haha, here we goooo :D
dear 8570, we met through facebook. i don't like you very much cause i envy your style ahaha. i'm joking love, but i do love your style. :) i wish you and your cat long and happy lives cause you deserve it. seriously. gimme a holla whenever i'm on, you know you love me ;) haha.
hai 69, lols. anyway, we met through gaia. i think we were in a puzzle game or something. since then we're quite close, but seperetaed cause of college and stuff. haha. i love your sense of humour, and i like that you're determined about everything. but stop asking about getting into my pants, cause that's reserved. hahahaha. xoxo
oooh hello 555. ;3 yeah i remember youu. ahaha. you were that jerk who bumped into me and dropped his 555 books and got angry but quickly apologized. ahahha. sure we can grab starbucks sometime, but you're gonna have to wait til i'm free. lols. :)
ahhaha 911, i like you a lot. i don't like your body odour though, but i'm so used to that now. hahahaha. anyway, we'll go to that concert one day, when we're filthy rich and can afford to buy everything we always dreamed about. ahaha. met at college during one of those events. was it the raya or the merdeka one? maybe merdeka kot. ahah. i notice how we're both a lot alike, but no, you can never compare me with your chubbiness. ahahaha. i still win first hand. stay cool dude! xoxo <3
dear number 1, you'll always be number one in my heart. aha. <3 i seriously miss you like hell, miss our convos together. get your ass back home soon. i miss you. :)
019283 HAAAAI, i like your cat! :D yeah i have a things with cats too. we met through one of your friend, :) don't know you that well except that you love cats! <3
hello 8634, :) i like you a lot too. i find you very annoying sometimes when we get into an argument but eh! ahaha. maybe because you always win the convos. :P gotta love your color kid. haha. txt me sometime when i get back eh!
098, GET OUT! ahahaha. i thought you were dead or something! dah lama siut tak contact, baru sekarang nak roger apehal! ahhaa. bestie time tuition masa dulu dulu, ingat? ponteng sama sama. wakkaka. but aku dah baik sekarang, lols. <3 wehhh, aku suka kau. bila nak hangout doe? haha. imma holla at you kalau g sunway. we'll meet there with your skate buds, ;)
okay, the rest... basically... lol, i know you through facebook. don't know you that much but i look forward to our convos together aite! <3 roger at me sometime ahaha xoxo
Thursday, December 23, 2010
progress progress progress! -- posted at 11:16 AM
*is very hungry at the mo. sorry if i start ranting about how hungry i am or how delicious that burger picture looks.*
anyway, it had been an interesting night.
i managed to get about 2000 words down tonight, and i'm at my 4000 word count. plus plus but eh! anywaaay, still got 3000 words left till i can catch up to my per day quota (1K per day ftw!) :D it means i'm not very far if i keep this up. wee. haha. i've got a dinner with a family friend tomorrow, it's little arif's birthday celebration! we, as a family, do no know what to give him, so maybe if i'm reaaally really nice, which i doubt it, i would bake a cake for him! i screwed up my sister's cake, sorry, but maybe i could make this up this time? eh, i dunno. but yeaaah.
i'm reaaaaally hungry now. seriously. i want that banana muffin mum made yesterday. yum!
oh, sorry where was i?
aaah, yes. cake. food. cake. eat. hungry. blah. you know what? imma go head out and eat something and post something later for ya'll. lols.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
to be honest or not to be? -- posted at 4:41 AM
okay, so.... hai.
there's no point in this post, really. just another post so that i could update my blog and still be in the groove of writing. :) anyway, lately i have been feeling really shitty. like i'm an asshole shitty, but only on a female version of it. i don't know why, maybe it's pms, maybe it's just me being moody, maybe because i don't like people lying to me in any way at all like rihanna does. lols, okay so that was a joke, but it's true. in many ways. hee.
so yesterday, i think, a friend of mine asked an advice from me and to publicly post it on her facebook status, and when i did, she told me not to say whatever i said because i posted the sentence "tell the whole facebook about it" but still, when she posted the status, it was pretty obvious she was posting it to the whole facebook and the whole world. i'm not upset or anything. okay, i guess i'm quite upset, cause it meant that i had to rephrase it and yeah. she's acting like she's all happy and shit when really what she posted on her status meant everything contradictory to the way she was acting. aaand, i was pretty straightforward about my advice, but still she was like, "okay, don't say it that way cause it's gonna hurt his/her feelings" when actually
her status meant it in a very pretty obvious way that it was for whoever it is she intended the someone to realize. i hope that made sense, my head's getting a little dizzy right now.
aaanyway, the next thing i said is that i was sleepy and i was going to bed and then logged out of facebook. it was pretty mean, but she shouldn't say that you know?
see, her point of posting the status was to make someone realize of the mistake. and when i had given my advice about, dis-included the word "the whole facebook" just because she requested it and replied her, as in given another advice in a straightforward manner to that someone, she acted totally happy about it. "i don't intend this to anyone, blablabla". it's upsetting you know? if you want to let him/her know, just be god-forsaken honest with it! not make someone else the victim. i felt so bad about it cause today she asked me if i was mad at her and i said i wasn't because i wans't mad at her, directly. i was mad at the someone because that someone is a family to my ex boyfriend, who both of them have very similar personalities. i can't be totally honest with this friend of mine because she's happy with this someone and i don't know if this someone has changed for the better or not, but i'm still wary, you know? i'm pretty scared that my friend would get hurt the way i did, and it's just fuck
! you know?
sorry for the language, but i'm not exactly happy and nice right now. :S
so anyway, if my friend reads this, sorry for being extremely rude last night. sorry for not being straight-forwardly honest with you, but i've boldly spoke my mind to you about it, taking my chances that you'd get hurt when you hear it, but you chose not to take my advice, which is not wrong, totally, but yeah... my point is, you have my support all the way. okay? :)
and now that i feel a whole lot better... i'm sorry to my cousin for being such a shitty girl to him last night. sorry i kept you up and left you like that, i mean, my mood just went out the door because of what happened with my friend, and i wasn't honest with you about it, and i was rude to you too. and yeah...
i'm sorry, guys. xoxo
Saturday, December 18, 2010
mini nanowrimo competition -- posted at 9:28 AM
i'm getting paranoid.
nicole was at 700 word count under one hour of writing. i had four hours and i was only at 400. i am toast. :(
for those of you who doesn't know what a nanowrimo competition is, it is a writing competition, done in a large scale of group, with a certain amount of word count. so mini would be a small scale of group. meaning it's a between me and nicole writing competition. lols. this time, we have to write a 25K word count, which was why i said i was toast, because so far, in two days, i've only got 1K plus when i should have covered at least 3600 (1800 per day).
i suck at writing stories. i have never succeeded in writing them, much less think about publishing them. i could never see myself plot a story. all i ever did was go with the flow, wherever the imagination takes me, you know? nicole, on the other hand, is the champion of plotting events, along with monica, lanes and some other great writing prodigy i've crossed with in my entire life. :)
i know, it's a short post, but i'm so dead tired i can't even think of the next word that i have to write to get this sentence finished. that's how tired i am. haha.
anywhoo, i must bid my adieu and go hit the sack. toddles! xoxo